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Where did I end up at….

It’s been several years since attempting to write but I’m going to take another stab at it.  Work, my ego, my consciousness,  whatever I’m placing blame to it all leads back to one thing…me.  So who am I?  Good question. ….let’s see. …kind, compassionate, understanding, impatient, stubborn,  too serious, overly concerned what others think, glutton for punishment  (lol), never can say no (haha), driven to succeed, junk food eater, smoker, drinker, over indulgent, against the norm of society, usually always mad at something type of person I am.  The complaint department has really set in.   Lol. 

So in a just a few short years  I’ve become more mad at the world than ever before.  Drug dependent and alcohol needed to survive my mother in law moving in.  Maybe I still have resentment towards my mom for me always feeling like she was out to control me and I had no say.  Again my own introspective of my situation. This is now a reoccurring pattern in my life that needs to be figured out.  1) I don’t like to be controlled or told what to do. 2) Not a fan of any criticism especially when I feel I’ve tried so hard. 

I can’t even say it’s a female thing because most of my closest friends are female. “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”  This comes to mind and makes some sense as I never felt I could tell my full truth growing up.  Always the white lie right?…..trying to cover being gay…just lie…”what’s wrong/oh nothing”….just lie….so telling my true feelings was always repressed.  But by what though?  I think society’s hold of brainwashing never fully set in….always a contradictory statement in my head of what should really be the case. And what will they think if I tell such nasty things.  Maybe knowing/feeling from a way early age that I was different really encapsulated my whole identity.  I didn’t reason the same way and didn’t think the same way as others kids around me did.  Different because I knew/felt there was more going on than just what was in front of me. 

Whatever the case may be, I know for sure, that my thoughts, actions, and reactions are driving my reality.  So trapped in my own thinking is where I must be now.

Does this all come back to the “seperation”.  I will continue to explore this next time……. 

Conquering our fears is easier said than done.  I understand that.  I believe that in this day and age fear controls every aspect of our lives.  The media promotes and manipulates us into fearing everything from war, famine, disease, our lack of money, losing our homes, to even going and out and just taking a walk down our streets.  The list is long!

Our egos feed into this and basically inhibits us from being and showing our true selves.  The ego says we are not good enough to achieve our full potential in life.  How will we conquer this fear?  When fear strikes be a partial observer to these feeling.  Let them flow and just observe don’t react.  When we react to these fears that’s when life really feels like it’s falling apart.  This creates panic attacks and causes us to make bad decisions. The ego is not our true nature.  It is a facade put into place to hide who we are and what we are really all about.  As we seek so many answers outside our own bodies, through organized religion or what have you, we really miss the point that all the answers are within us waiting for us to find.  It is only then can we move forward and “create” the great lives we so deserve.  This is the true nature of our existence.

More and more everyday I see people around me afraid of life.  Afraid to fail.  Afraid of what others think.  As this includes myself as no one is perfect.  I can only offer this advice.  It is up to you to “observe” and not “react”.  Our negative thoughts create.

“Positive thoughts help counterbalance negative energy.  Positive thoughts & prayers are vital to our physical & psychic well-being”. – James VanPraagh

What will you create today with your positive thoughts?

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A Strange Couple of Years…..continued

Towards the end of last year my husband Jeff and I helped our dear friend Debra move.  As I got up that morning I felt this strange anxiety which I really have never had before.  As we drove to our friends house this anxiety became worse and worse. Half way to Debra’s house Jeff calls her for some reason and come to find out she was having an anxiety attack.  This was the start of understanding why I would have strange feelings and emotions which were not my own.

As we pull up in the driveway we waited in the car as Debra was not home yet.  As I sat in the car I had a vision of an older man staring at me through the second floor window of this house.  This man had gray balding hair with a round face and fairly big belly.  He was definitely not jolly as I felt this was a very negative energy.

When Debra and her husband arrived I told Debra that I saw this old man in a rocking chair looking down at me through the second floor bedroom window.  I was shocked that she didn’t say that I was crazy as I never mentioned to her that I had an ability.  Her husband soon approached and I stopped talking about it not knowing how he would react. We eventually went on the tour of the house and was given the low down of what we would be doing.  Debra and I went up the stairs and into her office.  This office is where the older man was staring at me from. I said there was definitely an energy in the room. Debra responded with a look of yes that she felt it too. I instantly looked at the floor and felt some significance to the energy.  It was hard wood floors and I just happened to mention that it was the original flooring and Debra responded with yes.  “Thank you” was the next impression I had.  I felt like the ghost was saying thank you for keeping the original floor and refinishing it.  The small hall way to her office had the same hard wood floor and I felt that something was really wrong with it but did know exactly what.  (another psychic told Debra there were bones buried under the hall way floor)  I continued to go on about how I felt this negative energy liked to really mess with her.  I told Debra that I felt this ghost (negative energy) was egging her on to buy something on the computer.  Basically pushing her to spend money.

All of this led Debra to tell me about the six miserable years she had in the house.  From banging on pipes in the basement, to flying objects, light lamps coming on outside when wires were obviously cut, to the ceiling fan turning on by itself.  This definitely made her feel like she was crazy.  You can read her stories here on WordPress. Lifeislikeabowlofcherries.wordpress.com.

This was my very first encounter of a “haunted house”.

So when is it ever a good time to come out of the closet?  And should we really let everyone know who we really are?  These are very scary things to think about when I have always been afraid of what people may think of me.  And “no” I’m not talking about being gay.  I’ve been “out” for almost twenty years now.  I am very thankful to have met so many accepting people in my life.  As I have never had any bad experiences, at least not to my face, in talking about the different sides of David.

So really how does one come out a second time and say that I can see and hear things that others do not?  Well, I guess I just did.  Let me explain how it all started.

It started last year, January or so,  when I just out of the blue walked up to my partner and started talking about his grandparents who are deceased.  Though I may have seen pictures, I started describing what they looked like and what they were wearing.  And then it was a lot of feeling based sensations of what had happened to them before passing.  My arm felt like there was a hole in it and my head started to feel a weird sensation definitely not anything like I had felt before.  And then I moved on to describe their house in detail from the color of the walls, to curtain patterns, what was outside the windows, smells, furniture, decorations, and feelings from people who lived in a small town that I had never been to.  At this point I expected my partner to say I was crazy but he did not.

In late May last year I lost a dear friend.  It was very difficult as she could always bring a smile to my face and make me laugh like I’ve never laughed before.  I could see and feel her almost every where I went.  At this point I really thought I was crazy as I really haven’t had much experience as to what was going on with me.  Needless to say my friend will never have a sad day again.

I probably would have had  to see a shrink if I had not spent the last 10 years or so reading every book, that I found interesting, on psychic gifts and paranormal experiences.

It’s kind of ironic that as a child, teenager, and early adult I spent much time watching the tube and listening to the radio to block out my thoughts or what I thought was my own thoughts.  As an adult I now tend to enjoy the silence.  It brings me peace but also brings on  a different kind of responsibility for me.  It’s difficult not to say to people what I see or what I’m feeling as one never knows how receptive others will be.

Where does one go from here…….